Episode 71: Raising Resilient Children
For months they had planned and trained for the rigors of the trail. The goal? A fifty-mile backpacking trek in the Sierra Nevada mountains, ending with the 14,494-foot summit of Mount Whitney, the tallest peak in the continental United States.
For nearly a week, eleven 14 and 15-year-old boys and two saintly leaders trudged onward and upward through rain, snow, sleet, and howling wind. Exhausted, they finally sat down next to a sign that read, “Mt. Whitney, 1.9 miles.”
Looking up at the steep, narrow, icy trail on the edge of a cliff that led to the summit, the boys felt defeated. Black clouds loomed in the distance, thunder filled the air, threatening to swallow them whole, and they wondered how they could take another step into the foreboding wind.
One 15-year-old, my son, voiced his concerns about attempting the summit under the circumstances. They sat in silence for several minutes, contemplating their fate, until one leader stood up for the pep talk of his life.
He challenged the bone-tired boys to face their fears and finish the climb with his direct and passionate plea, lest they regret it forever. “You are not wussies. You are warriors!” rang in the ears of eleven teenage boys who had never attempted such a difficult task in their young lives. It brought each one of them to their feet, all of whom pressed forward with renewed enthusiasm and hope until they reached the summit.
They had accomplished what, a few minutes prior, had felt impossible.
I will forever be grateful for the scout leader who taught my oldest two boys that impossible things were within their grasp. One of them, while navigating a particularly challenging time as a missionary several years later, wrote home with this message:
“I am not a wussy. I am a warrior. I can do hard things, just like Brother Cook said.”
That experience on a treacherous mountain trail taught him about resilience in a profoundly personal way. It was not only about physical mountains but emotional, mental, and spiritual ones as well. He learned that our family motto, Sheppards Do Hard Things, applied to him. He has repeatedly drawn upon that knowledge in times of adversity.
Resilience is, in my opinion, one of the most important things we can teach our kids. It will keep them grounded when times get tough. And, if they are grounded, they will be able to think clearly, make wise decisions, and keep pressing forward even if the world is in commotion.
So, today, I am going to put on my parenting coach hat and teach you what I have learned about raising resilient kids.
When my kids were young, I was at church one Sunday with my two active boys, ages two and one. I spent the majority of my time at church chasing the boys and trying to keep them quiet. This particular day, a middle-aged couple was sitting nearby. They watched while I did my best to corral the kids and then leaned over to me and said, “Just wait until they are teenagers. You haven’t seen anything yet.”
From that point on, I dreaded the teenage years, fearing my kids would turn into the troubled, irresponsible, selfish, weak, and lazy humans that everyone seemed to believe teens to be. Of course, many teenagers indeed live up to these labels. But has society always had such low expectations of young people?
In biblical days, the Lord used the youth to do his work. Samuel was 11 years old when he heard the Lord calling his name. The boy David killed Goliath. His brothers sold 17-year-old Joseph, who ultimately saved a nation from famine. Mary, the mother of Jesus, was most likely in her teens when the Savior was born, as was Esther when she courageously saved her people.
In more modern days before the Industrial Revolution, children and teens were vital to the success of their family farms. Then, 18-year-olds were on the front lines of battle in the Civil War and both World Wars. In other words, society expected the rising generation to take on significant responsibility, and, generally speaking, they rose to the challenge.
The idea that teenagers are nothing more than trouble is a relatively new one. The funny thing about expectations, however, is that they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we buy into the idea that teens are troubled, weak, selfish time bombs that might explode at the slightest provocation, we will treat them as such. And then, that is what they will become.
The good news is that the opposite is also true. If we treat our kids as capable, strong, and resilient, they will become so.
Grit researcher, Angela Duckworth, discovered that grit, which she defines as the combination of passion and persistence, is the most important factor in determining success. It is a quality shared by high achievers, no matter the arena, and trumps both talent and IQ. She also discovered that the adults with the most grit were 65 and older, and the least gritty were between 25 and 35.Those findings are consistent with the experience of Bob Flanagan, legendary basketball coach at St. Rita University. Coach Flanagan, shortly before his retirement in 2015, said this:
“I am absolutely certain that the most troubling difference between the student athletes I currently recruit and those I recruited four decades ago is grit – or lack thereof…They’re much less persistent…They’re too emotionally fragile and easily discouraged…They expect things to be too easy and they get easily frustrated by setbacks…They view failure as something permanent, something that can’t be overcome.”
The military has noticed similar trends. In response to this, the US Army started offering Master Resilience Training (MRT) in 2009 to help non-commissioned officers develop resilience.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has seen the same thing in their 18-25-year-old missionaries. According to Elder Lynn G. Robbins, a higher percentage of young missionaries are coming home early from their missions than in previous generations. While some come home because of health challenges, others have simply not developed enough grit to navigate the challenges of missionary life.
Lyle J. Burrup, who counseled missionaries struggling with mental health at the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah, concluded that “the most common cause of emotional problems [among missionaries] was a lack of resilience…In many cases, the missionary just hadn’t learned how to deal with challenges well.”
Julie Lythcott-Haims, former freshman dean at Stanford University, has similar concerns from the perspective of academia. In her book, How to Raise an Adult, she says, “We treat our kids like rare and precious botanical specimens and provide a deliberate, measured amount of care and feeding while running interference on all that might toughen or weather them…Without experiencing the rougher spots of life, our kids become exquisite, like orchids, yet are incapable, sometimes terribly incapable, of thriving in the real world on their own.”
The lack of resilience in emerging adults is staggering. It presents from sports teams to college to the military to the mission field and beyond. But what has changed, and what can we do about it?
Dr. Tim Elmore, a world-renowned expert on Generations Y and Z and founder of the non-profit group Growing Leaders, believes that “adults have actually diminished the development of grit in American kids. We’ve conditioned them to avoid pain or hurt at any cost, which has diminished the cultivation of resilience in them. We work to make life simpler and easier than in past generations. We have a safety-first policy on everything, placing helmets and pads on kids and protectors on every device. Parents do so because we believe a lie that if our kids get hurt, it damages them in the long run…While this safety-first policy makes sense in the moment, it leaves teens miserably unready for adulthood, where they’ll spend most of their lives.”
Sobering words, right? If you read them and feel guilty because you fear you are diminishing the development of resilience in your kids, let the guilt go.
As a society, we have been conditioned to fix, rescue, smooth, and do everything in our power to keep our kids safe and happy. The pressure to do so is real and constant and comes from various sources, including the media, schools, playgroups, and everything in between. However, if we become fixers, smoothers, and rescuers, we are good parents with noble intentions who want the very best for our kids, and we can be at peace with that.
But it turns out that all of this fixing, smoothing, and trying to make our kids happy at all costs is insanely expensive. It costs our kids their natural resilience as they learn to rely on us for everything instead of trusting themselves. They learn to be helpless because we are too helpful. And, too often, with learned helplessness playing center stage, navigating the inevitable challenges of life becomes crushing.
The reality is that, because resilience is, at its core, the ability to bounce back from challenges, facing hard things is the only way to build muscles of strength. But, unfortunately, when we shelter our kids from pain or the negative consequences of their actions, we cripple them in the long run.
I know this is a hard pill to swallow because our instinct as parents is to protect our kids. But what if we focused on preparing them instead of protecting them? At the end of the day, preparation is the ultimate form of protection.
But is there a recipe for raising resilient children?
As with most things, there are parenting principles that increase the likelihood of raising gritty kids. Those principles, however, can be applied in a thousand different ways in a thousand different families.
As Chieko Okazaki so eloquently said, “In principles, have clarity. In practices, have charity.” Or, in other words, there are a million ways to skin a cat, so let’s not put too much pressure on ourselves to do things “right.” If we are clear on the principles, the practices will take on a life of their own, molding themselves to our unique personalities, preferences, and circumstances.
Social Science research has narrowed parenting styles into four distinct categories: authoritarian, permissive, authoritative, and uninvolved. Let’s take a brief look at each one.
Authoritarian parents are the “My way or the highway” parents. They have high expectations of their children but provide a low level of emotional support. They tend to be strict disciplinarians who are unwilling to listen to the child’s perspective. Kids from authoritarian homes are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, and poor self-image. They also have a higher likelihood of displaying aggression, rebelliousness, or defiance.
Permissive parents have low expectations of their children but provide a high level of emotional support. They are likely to act more like their kids’ friends than parents, loving and nurturing them but failing to establish boundaries, rules, expectations, or follow-through. Children from permissive homes tend to be bossy, dependent, and impulsive, with decreased levels of social competence and academic achievement.
Uninvolved parents have low expectations and a low level of emotional support. They are aloof and unsupportive while requiring very little of their kids, who have a high degree of freedom. Children of uninvolved parents often exhibit behavior challenges and mental health problems.
Authoritative (not to be confused with authoritarian) parents, however, are both demanding and supportive. They have high expectations for their kids but also provide a high degree of emotional support. They set and enforce boundaries but listen to their kids’ points of view. They are also nurturing and kind.
This style of parenting, according to the research, is the gold standard. Kids from authoritative homes fare better across the board than those raised in permissive, authoritarian, or uninvolved homes. They are generally better behaved, more assertive, and have more self-control. The research points so strongly to the benefits of this type of parenting, and the conclusion has been repeated in so many different studies over several decades that social scientists no longer feel the need to study it. This is the gold standard. Period.
Dr. Kenneth R. Ginsburg, in his book “Building Resilience in Children and Teens,” refers to authoritative parenting as Lighthouse Parenting, and that analogy resonates with me. He says, “I like to think of myself as a ‘Lighthouse Parent’ – a stable force on the shoreline my children can measure themselves against. I see it as my job to look down at the rocks and make sure they do not crash against them. I look into the waves and trust they will eventually learn to ride them on their own. But I will prepare them to do so.”
How, then, do we prepare our kids to learn to ride the waves on their own?
Dr. Ginsburg teaches that, “Unconditional love is the bedrock of resilience because it creates security. . .that allows them to take chances when they need to adapt to new circumstances and the knowledge that, in the long run, all will be OK.”
He goes on to say that “unconditional love does not mean unconditional approval. The child is not the behavior. Parents can reject certain behaviors and simultaneously love the child completely. The key is that love is never withdrawn or threatened to be withheld based on a behavior. It is about your child knowing that you are not going anywhere, no matter what.”
With so much talk these days about love meaning unconditional approval, and children threatening to cut ties with their parents if they do not love them by accepting all of their choices, it is vital to remember what true love is.
True love is patient, kind, humble, and enduring. True love is not, “I will give you whatever you want or unconditionally accept whatever you do” Rather, is sees others with heavenly eyes and seeks to do what is best for the individual in question. This is the kind of love that will help build resilience in our kids.
In my interactions with my teenagers over the years, it has been interesting to listen to them talk about their friends. Not infrequently, we will hear about friends who could never talk to their parents, especially if they have made a mistake, because their parents would “freak out.”
My husband says the same thing about some of the youth he interacts with in his calling as a bishop. They are afraid to talk to their parents about some of the challenges in their lives.
If we want our kids to develop resilience, we must create a safe place for them to land – a place where mistakes are expected lovingly handled. Which, by the way, might include enforcing boundaries and consequences. But there is a difference between enforcing consequences and flying off the handle, belittling, shaming, and other forms of intimidation and manipulation. Boundaries are evidence of love; blaming, belittling, and shaming kids into staying within the boundaries are not.
Another thing to keep in mind when working to raise resilient children is this, as explained by Dr. Ginsburg: “Children live up or down to the expectations adults set for them”
In other words, if we expect our kids to be kind, considerate, hard-working, responsible, and resilient, and we treat them as such, they will (generally) rise to the level of our expectations.
On the other hand, if we expect our kids to be lazy, disobedient, selfish, or rude, and treat them as such, they will (generally) fall to the level of our expectations.
So, what kind of kids do we want to raise? If we want them to be resilient, let’s start treating them like they are resilient. And that is what they will become.
We can treat them like they are resilient by applying Dr. Ginsburg’s Seven Crucial Cs of Resilience: competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control. While we do not have time for a deep dive into each one of these during this episode, perhaps, we will explore them in greater depth in the future. For now, I will give you a quick overview:
1. Competence
Competence is gained in experience. We gain skills by doing things that teach those skills. And, once children are competent in a set a skills, they can trust themselves to make good choices and face difficulties surrounding those skills.
The lack of competence creates a huge amount of anxiety, and leaves kids unprepared for adulthood.
So, how do you help your child build competence? Teach them a variety of skills and give them plenty of time to practice. Resist the urge to step in and “fix” something for them. Let them learn by doing and by making loads of mistakes, and even falling flat on their faces.
We should be celebrating mistakes and failures because they build resilience. They are not problems.
2. Confidence
Competence leads to confidence. The more kids know how to do, the more confident they will feel in a variety of circumstances. And the more confident they fell, the more resilient they will be.
Kids will not develop confidence if we do everything for them.
3. Connection
According to Dr. Ginsburg, children with close ties to family, friends, school, and community are more likely to have a solid sense of security that produces strong values and prevents them from seeking undermining relationships.
4. Character
Kids with a strong sense of right and wrong are more comfortable and confident sticking to their values. This helps them make wise, supportive choices, contribute to their community and the world, and become successful adults.
5. Contribution
Kids who understand that they have something important to contribute to the world gain a sense of purpose that helps them build resilience. The gospel adds an important dimension to this that truly changes everything. As we learn about and internalize what it means for us to be children of heavenly parents, our lives take on a stunning new purpose that would never be possible without that knowledge.
6. Coping
Life is stressful; no doubt. But the kids who are the most prepared to deal with the inevitable stresses of life are better prepared to overcome challenges and setbacks.
7. Control
As Dr. Ginsburg said, “When children realize that what they do leads to real life consequences, they learn to better consider their decisions and, over time, gain self-control.”
This relates to parental discipline, no doubt. But it also relates to every decision in life. The decision not to study might lead to poor grades. The decision to gossip might lead to lack of friends. The decision to sleep in and miss work might result in job loss.
When we, as parents, step in and mitigate the real-life consequences of our kids’ choices, we rob them of the opportunity to develop resilience. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is nothing at all.
In addition, kids must learn that they are the masters of their own fate. Their choices and actions determine, to a large extent, the results they will get. They have the power to make choices that will lead them in the direction they want to to go.
As we get closer to the Second Coming of the Lord, the commotion in the world will increase. Not only do our kids need to develop faith and spiritual strength, they need to develop resilience to help them weather life’s stresses and storms. We, as their parents, play a major role in that teaching and preparation.
But, as with any skill, resilience takes time to nurture. We cannot start talking about resilience a month before our kids leave for college or missions and expect them to have a solid foundation. We can help them develop this skill, a little at a time, until they are confident.
We can do this by creating an environment of unconditional love in our homes and by giving our kids a safe place to land.
We can do it by letting them make mistakes and learn how to solve problems.
We can do it by teaching them healthy ways to manage stress.
We can do it by teaching them a variety of skills and letting them gain competence by practicing those skills.
We can do it by helping them to develop strong character traits and learning to live within boundaries.
We can do it by letting them do hard things and cheering them along as they do.
We, with God’s help can raise resilient children. We can teach them to trust themselves to stand in the face of great difficulty. Let’s get to it, and together, let’s stand.
